October 9, 2017

Mom's journal entries

Kevin's Miracles

August 27, 2017

In our discussion with President Avila at our Zone Conference in May he told us that he had been prompted to transfer us to Cuernavaca for the remainder of our mission and for us to begin packing our things.  The date would be as soon as possible after finding us a place to live and arranging to move our furniture and personal things.  After several different dates that came and went, the day finally did arrive and we moved to Cuernavaca on June 7, 2017.  The next day we moved into our apartment which was just five minutes’ walk to the Mission Office and Stake Center. 

Late that morning we received a call from Lezlie to let us know that Kevin had been arrested the night of June 6 and had called her and Geoff to help bail him out of jail.  It was a very emotional phone conversation between Kevin and Geoff and Lezlie as he was begging them to bail him out, and wondered if anyone else would be able to help him.  During our conversation with Lezlie she said she didn’t know what to do, Kevin was sobbing, but they felt that bailing him out would not be the best thing for Kevin.  As difficult as it was, they declined to help him.  He called them a couple more times before his preliminary hearing, after which bail was no longer an option for him.  He was to serve sixty days in jail and was given the opportunity to find a residential treatment center for another 90 days after his release from jail.

He was miserable in jail, and bored and lonely.  Holli made the trip to visit him two different weekends, which was quite a sacrifice for her to make, but she wanted him to know that his family loved him.  The jail has a drug assessor whose job is to help the inmates find treatment centers, which he did for Kevin, a place called CRASH/Bill Dawson.  After his final sentencing on July 18, he was at the jail for just a few more days when they suddenly transferred him to the George Bailey maximum security prison, and he nor his family had any idea why.  In fact, it was really difficult to even find out where Kevin was, taking me several calls to finally get an answer.  I was just sick thinking about my son being at a maximum security prison, and was afraid for him until he called early the next day to let us know he was going into the treatment center that same day.  Apparently they moved him from Vista Detention center to the prison because they needed his bed for others who were awaiting their hearings.  He later told us that that was a miserable, anxiety-filled day because he had no idea what they were doing with him.  He had the full impact of not being in control of his life and it was frightening to him.  That morning they transferred him to the CRASH substance abuse center, which was another horrible experience according to Kevin.

This treatment center was apparently for criminals and from the very beginning he felt that he didn’t belong…there were murderers, gangsters, and rapists housed at the treatment center, with the very worst one of them as Kevin’s roommate, a murderer. The residents were not allowed outside for fresh air and sunshine nor were they allowed to look out the windows.  The punishment for doing so was to sit in the middle of the circle of residents with each one apparently ridiculing you for breaking the rule.  Another rule was when the roll was passed around to sign if your signature was not between the two lines, not above nor below them, the roll was passed around again until everyone could sign it according to the rule.   If you went in or out the wrong door one of your fellow residents could and would rat on you and then you received a punishment.  There was also a complete blackout from all communications, whether electronic or phone, for several weeks. It was degrading and disgusting to him to have to live there.  Kevin has an alcohol problem and he’s been arrested a few times because of it, but he is not a criminal and couldn’t stand living with criminals and listening to their dreadful stories of killing someone.  After 8 days of this terrible experience he remembered that his release date from jail was scheduled for August 5 and somehow was allowed to call his probation officer who told him that yes, he could leave the treatment center tomorrow, which, of course, he did.  But he was given ten days to find another to fulfill the court’s requirement for residential treatment for 90 days.  That was a Saturday, August 5.

His first appointment with the probation office was Monday, August 7, which he went to, and afterwards he and I spoke on the phone that afternoon.  Kevin was sober then, so I was shocked and very disappointed to find out later that night that after being in jail for 60 days without a drink of alcohol he had chosen to drink again and was very drunk by the time I called him.  And he was angry with his brothers for “ratting” him out. I couldn’t believe he would do that…I so wanted him to choose to be sober.  Early Tuesday evening, August 8, I received a phone call from Jennifer Hartzwig from the Sheriff’s Department Suicide Intervention Crew that they had taken Kevin to the Bayview Mental Hospital and he had given them my name and our phone number to contact.  Jennifer told me that a security guard from the shopping center where Kevin had parked his truck in the back to drink himself into oblivion went to the truck to check on it, found Kevin inside intoxicated and he told the man that he was suicidal, was thinking about overdosing on his meds and probably needed to go to the hospital. This was the beginning of our miracle.  The guard could have simply called the police but recognized that Kevin was in deep trouble and needed help, not jail, and so he called the Intervention Crew instead.  Jennifer also referred him to the In-Home Outreach Team, who would be contacting him to help with whatever he needed help with.  The team was a couple, Steve and Sandra, who had been alcoholics at one time themselves but were now volunteers to help others…they were working the 12^th Step of AA’s 12 Step program!  They did call Kevin and went to visit him and checked on him regularly, and Kev felt that they really did care about him. Once he asked me why they were doing this, were they getting paid?

When I finished my conversation with Jennifer, I immediately called the hospital to find out his condition, but they would neither confirm nor deny that he was a patient there, and for the next three days I got the same answer from them until Kevin called me on Thursday afternoon.  He couldn’t remember anything about the past two days.  He had no recollection how he got to the hospital nor why he was there, only that they would be releasing him the next day because they can only keep him three days. 

But while he was medicated and detoxing for those two days Lezlie and I began making phone calls at Jennifer’s suggestion, to find a short-term crisis intervention home for him to go to when he was released from Bayview to keep him safe and to help him start healing his mind.  We found out that beds in the seven crisis intervention homes in the San Diego area were difficult to get and that we needed to call every morning to check on availability.  Lezlie was told that one of the best was called Del Sur Treatment Center.  We were told to try again on Monday.  In the meantime Kevin was released from the hospital on Friday morning.  I don’t know what time he started drinking again but when we talked with him Friday night he was drunk and refused to stop drinking.  Saturday was the same, only worse.  He was very intoxicated.  We talked with him many times that day trying to convince him to stop drinking.  And he would not tell me where he was parked because he was afraid I would call the police.  I couldn’t call the police because that was certain probation violation and a return to jail for many more months if not years…I couldn’t do that to Kevin.  If he ended up back in jail it would be his doing, not his parents.  What a gut-wrenching experience this was.

It was Saturday, August 12.  I didn’t know what to do for Kevin, but I couldn’t turn my back on him either.  My son needed help but I didn’t know how to help him.  So I felt to call and talk to Darren…I knew he had dealt with a similar situation many years ago and I was hoping to get some counsel from him.  We spoke for probably 20 minutes, hung up, and about ten minutes later Jodi and Darren called saying that Jodi was going to drive to California to help Kevin and was trying to figure out a place to stay.  Geoff and Lezlie were also on the call with Geoff trying to find a hotel for Jodi and Kevin until we could find a safe place for him to go. Jodi started for California within the hour Saturday afternoon.  We figured that she would get to him by about 11:00 that night.  So we kept calling Kevin and talking with him telling him Jodi was on the way. She was smart enough to have him text her a map of where his truck was parked before he passed out or worse.  Probably around 10:00 Kevin called and said, “Mom I think I’m dying and I just want you to know I love you.” I knew that Jodi was within a short distance from him and was anxiously awaiting her phone call when she got to him.  Finally it came.  He was very intoxicated, but he was alive. 

The emotional roller coaster that week was intense, and the whole time Ken and I had traveling to do and classes to teach all over our mission area.  It was probably good to be so busy with our calling, but in reality I just wanted the world to go away and let me be able to do something for my son.  It was very hard to keep pressing forward in our missionary assignment.  In my studying one day I read something that President Faust taught regarding the bitter cup that Christ was given to drink in the Garden, “Every soul has some bitterness to swallow…there comes a time when one must accept the situation as it is and reach upward and outward.  The Savior set the compass.”  The sorrow and broken heart I had for Kevin’s sake was a very bitter cup to drink and I had been reaching upward to my Heavenly Father for years that Kevin would choose sobriety.  But we had been set apart as full-time missionaries and given the opportunity to reach outward to our brothers and sisters in the Cuernavaca Mission area to teach them self-reliance principles.  We had to press forward, and I was grateful to be busily engaged while Heavenly Father was busily engaged working miracles for Kevin.  He had sent angels to minister to my son…perhaps Ken and I were His angels for someone in Mexico.  We were promised in the blessing we received from our Stake President when we were set apart to be full-time missionaries that our family would be blessed as we served and we have seen this promise fulfilled for several of our children and grandchildren.

Jodi opened the door of his truck and said, “Brother, wake up.”  His eyes popped right open.  Of course, she didn’t know what she was going to find when she found him either and was relieved to have him respond to her voice.  She got him into her car and to the hotel and to safety that night.  Around 1:30 Kevin woke Jodi up.  He was experiencing DT’s and she later told us he was like a caged animal, pacing the room, scratching down the walls, pulling at the window curtains, hallucinating.  She tried to get him to go back to sleep, but he couldn’t calm down and became more agitated.  At 4:30 Jodi decided it was time to get him to the hospital for help that was beyond what she could do for him.  The doctor gave him Librium to help with the withdrawal symptoms and she later took him back to the hotel where they both slept for the next several hours.

Jodi had called Robin, the doctor she works for, and explained that there was a family emergency and she had to leave town, but promised to return as soon as possible.  The question was when Jodi had to return home and to work where would Kevin go?  We knew he could not be alone, not in his condition, so Lezlie and Geoff started making plans for her to go to California and rent an apartment or find another option so she and Kevin could stay there until we could get him into a treatment center, which we were told normally had a waiting period of about two months.  At the same time Lezlie and I began the search for a treatment center that he could afford to pay for himself and which would have a positive impact on him and truly be of help.  The treatment center that we had helped him get into 2015 in Washington had been a waste of money and we couldn’t do that again.  He needed a treatment center that was really interested in helping him not just take our money, but where and how?  And there was additional pressure from his probation officer to get into treatment by September 13, which was his next appointment, but we knew it couldn’t be just any treatment center.  It had to be the right one, where Kevin would feel comfortable living and which would provide him with some structure and stability in his life.

 With these things in mine we both happened to find a place called Heartland House which had a sliding scale fee and seemed to have a good structure, allowing him to work during the day and have a safe place to go to at night to eat a good meal, sleep, and socialize with others, but at the same time receive some personal counseling, attend classes, and mandatory AA meetings during the week.  It seemed to be the perfect place for Kevin to provide the stability he needed.  The problem was it had a two month waiting list and he had to have a personal interview after being sober for 72 hours.  Monday morning came and I began calling the crisis intervention centers to find a short-term bed for Kevin.  Another tender mercy from the Lord and answers to prayers came when I called the highly recommended Del Sur, which did have a bed for him that afternoon.  Before he could check in though Jodi needed to get him to Heartland House to be interviewed for long-term residential treatment and be put on their waiting list and to DMV to get his truck registration reinstated, after finding him high-risk insurance.  He also needed to go the courthouse to do paperwork that was required by the probation officer.  And she spent time with Kevin going through all of his mail from the time he was in jail and helped him get his bills and legal matters organized and under control.  Heartland House required 72 hours of sobriety and it had only been a day and a half since his last drink but when I called to ask the manager of the House whether he could still come for an interview he decided that requirement could be waived, and after the interview agreed to put him on the wait list. 

In spite of driving from one end of San Diego to the other that day, they managed to get everything done and checked in at Del Sur on time that evening, August 14.  Since this place was only for short-term crisis intervention we had 10 – 14 days at the most to figure out where he would go once he was released, and the best option seemed to be to have Lezlie go ahead with plans to go to California and help him. As I was pondering on all of this the thought came to me, “be still,” and I knew the rest of it, “and know that I am God.”  Indeed, I had put my trust in God that he would help us to help Kevin and now I just needed to be still and let Him do what only He can do, as difficult as that was for me.  As I was telling Lezlie about this prompting she shared with us a dream she had in which Kevin was with her family and was asked to pray, which he did, and said “help me know if there ever was light and if there was help me find it again.” We both agreed that His tender mercies for Kevin were obvious and how grateful we were for the faith we had in Him.  We knew that God had answered our prayers and could open other doors for Kevin and prayed that He would continue to do so.  

Del Sur was truly a blessing as it gave Kevin a safe place to live, daily sessions with a therapist, a place to continue detoxing, and a little more time on the wait list for Heartland House.  Even though he had told Jodi that he wasn’t too excited about going to Del Sur, it had a calming influence on him and he liked the people there.  In fact, he told Jodi he was happy to be there.  He had a bed next to the window with a view of the hills and a fan blowing on his face, and he was not sleeping in his truck! 

The days at Del Sur were therapeutic for Kev and he seemed to be doing really well there but I was very concerned about getting him into a good treatment center after his bad experience at CRASH.   I was trying to “be still,” which didn’t mean to do nothing, but be still enough to continue to follow the promptings of the Spirit.  The manager at Heartland House had told Kevin that he should call every day to check in and let them know if he was still interested so his name wouldn’t get to the bottom of the stack, which he was doing. On Thursday of that week I decided to call the manager there to ask if there was any way Kevin could move up on the list, even if we had to pay the full fee to get him accepted, but the answer was no, we just needed to wait.  Kevin told us that he had a release date from Del Sur for the next week…time was running out to make decisions.  The next afternoon Kevin received a call from the manager of Heartland House telling him that there was a bed for him if he was still interested.  Of course, he was; it was what we had been praying for!  The manager then told Kevin that when a bed unexpectedly became available that morning he looked through the stacks of applications on the waiting list and called the first three men, all of whom did not answer the phone.  So he looked at Kevin’s application and was impressed that Kevin would be a good fit for the House and seemed to be anxious to be accepted, and, he said, he knew Kevin’s mom wanted him to be accepted, so he made the phone call to Kevin and given the opportunity to receive treatment there.  He would be admitted to Heartland House on Monday, August 21.  It was beyond any coincidence that Kevin was given the opportunity to live at the Heartland House…to be accepted in less than a week was totally unheard of, especially when he was told it could be as long as a two month wait.  God works in mysterious ways.

We knew that the first seven days at Heartland House would be a blackout period which means he could not leave the premises for any reason, but after that time period he would be free to go to work Monday through Friday and would be expected to attend mandatory AA meetings nightly at the House.  Another blessing was that Kevin qualified to receive food stamps for six months since he had been without any income for quite some time.  With the temporary help from the food stamps he could use this $200 to reduce his costs to stay at Heartland House to only $250 per month!  But Kev was anxious to get back to working, being physically active and productive.  He didn’t want to start looking for a job until he knew for sure when he would be able to start working.  We were both very surprised to learn after he checked in on Monday, August 21, that the blackout period did not include communication, in fact, he was allowed to use his phone and laptop, which made him very happy.  The blackout period was only that he could not leave the premises for the first 7 days.  So he summoned the courage to call his old boss, Mark Pollard, who also happens to be a member of the Church, to see if he might have work.  Mark was receptive to the call and agreed to meet with Kevin the following Monday to discuss it.    On August 28, they met and after discussing Kevin’s situation, which he was very open about, Mark offered him a job and asked him to start the next day, Tuesday! 

God had answered every single one of our prayers!  Every single one. Kevin has been blessed with everything he needs to become sober, productive, happy, and to have hope for a better future.  He was given another chance to live, to live free from alcohol.  It all began with the security guard who made the call to the find help and not punishment for him.  Heavenly Father guided us, Kevin’s family, to be a tool in His hand to bless our son, our brother, our uncle to keep him alive and to open doors of opportunity to him.  We continue to pray that he will make good choices, that he will get the psychological help he needs to allow his mind and heart to heal, and that the time, safety, and knowledge that the Heartland House is providing him to heal physically will give him a pathway to follow to sobriety and happiness. 

On Sunday, August 27, I was visiting with Kev on the phone, and it was really nice to know that he was sober, safe, and happy.  During that conversation I asked him if he could tell me three things he was grateful for.  Ken and I had watched a TED talk about healing your brain from alcohol abuse and suggested that one way to do so was to write down every day three things that you are grateful for…it helps your brain to start thinking positively and your soul to look for the good things in your life.  So that first Sunday in the Heartland House I asked him if he would tell me three things he was grateful for.  Without hesitation he said that a recurring thought he had was how grateful he was for his family and that he probably wouldn’t be here without them.  He was grateful to be sober.  And he was grateful for a place to live, and it wasn’t in his truck!  The following Sunday I received a text from him saying, “I feel good today mom.  Feels good to be sober.  Just wanted you to know.”  A tender mercy from the Lord.  It’s a blessing for Ken and I to know that our son, whom we dearly love, finally has a safe place to live, good food to eat, and has chosen sobriety…I pray daily that he will have the courage, the desire, and will receive the power from his Higher Power to stay on that path that will bless his life and help him understand his purpose for being on this earth.